He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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