I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
