You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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