How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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