Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
