At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Randomize