I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize