I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
