The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
im on a boat
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