my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
