so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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