I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
