the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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