shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
