Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
