I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
