I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize