She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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