I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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