I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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