Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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