i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
