threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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