it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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