I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
