I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize