He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Mom said you looked used
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
