careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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