that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize