I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
