i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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