She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
