What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
