Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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