considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
