Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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