I should be sponsored by Trojan
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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