Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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