Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
