she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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