And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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