I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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