Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
