Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
