I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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