My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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