if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
