The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
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