i wish my penis had a tongue
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
