Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
