i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
