Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
