Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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