Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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