I wish I could teleport
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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