My hand turned me down
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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