I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
