hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
