so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
